The classic Wimbledon experience involves being bitterly disappointed by a British person who has failed to perform…so maybe we should be wary of looking to it for sexual inspiration.
And yet Ann Summers has done exactly that, unveiling a series of sexual positions with a tennis theme.
I have to confess: I’m skeptical. Is it really possible to conjure up new positions? Won’t people have already arrived at anything fun, either organically or through decades worth of articles in Cosmopolitan?
I decided I would test out each of the positions in order to rate how fun they are.
I then remembered that I’m single, and going through a bit of a dry spell, so I’ll have to settle for speculating on how enjoyable they might be, if only I wasn’t so desperately lonely.
Here we go, from worst to best.
Strawberries and Cream
I’m sorry but… this is just giving someone a blowjob? In fact, rather than being a kinky twist, this is probably the most generic way possible of sucking someone off (some of us have knee injuries!).
Am I losing my mind? Does Ann Summers think they’ve invented the concept of fellatio?
Again, shagging someone from behind is hardly revolutionary. And what in God’s name it has to do with tennis, I’ll never know.
If you can bear the thought of looking at your own grunting, sweaty, disgusting face during sex, Ann Summers have some tips for spicing this position up: ‘If you get off on the visuals, place a mirror on the floor between your legs. Watch as your partner enters you and get off on your very own, live action porn film.’
This is basically 69 but with the added benefit of being far more uncomfortable and impractical.
‘Being upside down means that your blood rushes to your head,’ Ann Summers says, ‘giving you a dizzying excuse to get lost in the moment and focus entirely on pleasure.’
That’s all very well, but passing out while you’re sucking someone off could pose some serious health and safety risks.
Whenever I see a sex position this complex, my immediate thought is ‘you’re just showing off.’
Look at this image. Does this look remotely pleasurable? Having to hold your leg up in the air like that, for upwards of five minutes?
Straining your palms against the floor? Would it even allow for a decent level of thrusting? If you want to go the gym, go to the gym.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but: sometimes it’s ok to just have missionary.
A position for the the lazy shaggers out there. According to Ann Summers, ‘this G-spot targeting position involves minimal effort and maximal pleasure.’
They also suggest, as a way of spicing things up, that you use your vibrator to stimulate your boyfriend’s perineum, ‘a small area, just before his anus…packed full of nerve endings’.
Just go for the anus, in my opinion. Anything else is a cop-out*.
*This is, of course, a joke. Enjoy the perineum without judgement.
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