I might leave my wife to be with one of the sexy gay men I've been speaking to

DEAR DEIDRE: I AM torn between staying with my wife or taking a chance . . . with a guy.

I am 46 and my wife is 42. We have been married for five years after both being divorced.

We get on OK but the chemistry that we had in the beginning has disappeared.

It feels as though we are a million miles apart and rarely even look at each other any more.

I have been secretly chatting to gay men online. I feel guilty about it but I can’t seem to stop.

There is one man in particular who caught my eye and we’ve been chatting a lot.

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He is around my age, very sexy and I find myself becoming aroused when we chat.

We have exchanged photos of one another. He is single and has encouraged me to accept who I am.

I am starting to believe he is right and I think that I really might be gay because I have developed feelings for him.

We have yet to meet but I know it is only a matter of time. At that point there will be no going back. I love my wife and we do still have sex occasionally. But lately I can hardly get aroused and when I do, I have an image of this guy in my head.

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My wife will be devastated if I confess to her but I know I am probably living a lie. I don’t know what to do.

I don’t want to hurt her but I want to be happy, and if that means confessing and setting her free, then surely that is the right thing to do.

My feelings are so confused.

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DEIDRE SAYS: This is an agonising situation. We can’t choose our sexuality and you need to work out the right path for you before you implode.

Our sexuality is on a spectrum, and many develop an attraction for people of the same gender at different stages of their lives.

Sometimes it is temporary, sometimes long-lasting. You will also be drawn to the excitement and the newness of this whole situation.

Although you have not physically touched this man, you have built an emotional connection with him.

You need to decide if you want to work on your relationship with your wife or explore this new relationship and unfamiliar side to your sexuality.


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Start by finding some support – contact Switchboard LGBT+ (switchboard.lgbt, 0300 330 0630).

When you feel clearer about your future, you can talk to your wife. My support pack Bisexuality explains more.

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