My dad's been having affairs even when my mum was on her death bed

DEAR DEIDRE: WHILE Mum was dying of cancer in hospital just before Christmas, my dad was having an affair with one of her friends.

I’m furious with him and it’s stopping me from grieving properly.

I’m 27, an only child, and my dad is 52. Mum was 53 and had been ill with breast cancer for years.

Dad was never good with illness. He didn’t know what to do or say.

I think his affair started about a year before Mum died, when her cancer came back.

He was always popping out on errands at weird times or suddenly shutting down his laptop if I walked into the room.

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When I grew suspicious, I got into his phone and found his messages with this woman who was supposedly one of my mum’s friends.

Some of them were sexual, others arranging to meet.

I didn’t confront him or say anything to Mum because I didn’t want to break her heart.

I hoped Dad would see sense but he obviously carried on sleeping with this woman right up to the end.

One night, my mother was taken into hospital and I couldn’t get hold of him for hours.

Two weeks after her funeral, he told me he was going to meet an “old friend” for a drink.

I asked her name, and it’s the same woman he’s been having the affair with. He now says this woman is helping him get over our loss.

I want to tell my dad what a terrible person he is. Sometimes, I even feel like punching him.

I miss Mum so much and need to grieve for her. But how can I when he is disrespecting her memory?

DEIDRE SAYS: Your anger at your dad is natural.

He wasn’t there for your mum in the way he should have been during her final days. And now he isn’t there for you either.

Sadly, not everyone is strong or can deal with sickness and death. It’s not an excuse, but your dad’s behaviour is understandable.

He sought comfort from another woman because he couldn’t cope.

Also, you’re not a party to the internal private side of their relationship. Your mum may even have known about his affair. Discuss this with him.

Talking to someone else about your feelings, including your dad’s affair, will also help.

My support pack on Bereavement explains the emotions you will likely be feeling and tells you where to find a counsellor.

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